Who can resist Chris Berman in a tux?

I hate the ESPY’s. I think they are annoying, contrived, meaningless, and a blatant display of self promotion. That being said, I usually really enjoy tuning in, because, despite all my pleas, paparazzi usually don’t follow my favorite athletes. So, the ESPY’s are a great excuse to tune and see what exactly your favorite athlete dressed up and it gives you a chance to check out what the wife looks like. This always leads to fun comments like, “She was cute when she was a freshman in high school I swear”, or, “Time to upgrade to the 2007 model”, or “We clearly have a child born three months after we were married”. Hey, I never said I was nice.

So today I’m checking in, and I see a headline Colts up for Six ESPY’s Vote Now! Now, I hate the ESPY’s. They are fake. They are made up. I would never vote. However. The Colts are up for six awards. We all know how I feel about the Colts. I don’t even want them wining fake awards. So I decide that in between ignoring my data entry, checking email, and checking Deadspin, I can surely find time to vote for the anyone other than the Colts to win the ESPY’s.

Here are the categories, nominees, and who I voted for in bold.

Best Male Athlete

Roger Federer (by virtue of elimination)
LeBron James (didn’t win it all – not getting my vote)
Peyton Manning (sucks – not getting my vote)
LaDainian Tomilson (said the Patriots had no class / stole someone elses nickname – not getting my vote)
Tiger Woods (golf is a hobby, not a sport – not getting my vote)

Best Female Athlete

Lisa Leslie (don't do the WNBA)
Taryne Mowatt (actually knew who this one...she was a very good pitcher for AZ)
Lorena Ochoa (same golf rules apply)
Candace Parker (was actually a little torn with this one; I watched more of the softball than I did the Woman's March Madness, so I went with Taryne, but Candace was a strong choice)

Best Team

Florida Gators Basketball (I have a gigantic Al Horford crush okay?)
Florida Gators Football (also a good choice)
Indianapolis Colts (I don't want to talk about it)
San Antonio Spurs (boring!)
St. Louis Cardinals (proved it's better to be lucky than good)
Tennessee Lady Vols (already skipped on Candace Parker, might as well keep it up)

Best Moment

Tiger Woods, British Open - Tears of Joy (gag me)
New Orleans, MNF, Saints Return to the Superdome (goosebump central)
Tony Dungy vs. Lovie Smith ("Tonight, we're all winners" commercial ruined this one for me)
Derek Fisher, father first, Utah Jazz (a very nice moment, not the winner)

Best Championship Performance

LeBron James (if you count the Eastern Conference Finals, "championship" I guess he wins)
Jimmie Johnson (who? driving? Nascar? whatever)
Peyton Manning (never heard of him)
Serena Williams (tennis doesn't do much for me)

Best Record-Breaking Performance

LaDainian Tomilson - 31 Touchdowns (best choice - I'm a hypocrite, I know)
Bob Knight - Broke Dean Smith's record for wins by a D-1 coach (eh)
Michael Phelps - Seven gold medals in swimming (impressive)
Kelly Slater - Won World Championship of Surfing (nice work if you can get it)

Best Breakthrough Performance

Kevin Durant (I don't have it in me to give him an award...stupid ping pong balls)
Devin Hester
Ryan Howard (has fallen off this year)
Morgan Pressel (golf rules still apply)

Best Game

Oklahoma State over Texas in 3OT
Colts over Patriots (fuck you)
Fiesta Bowl

Best Finish

Dodgers 4 HR's over the Padres
Kevin Harvick at the Daytona 500
Division II Men's Basketball Championship (if you haven't seen it, youtube it. Unbelievable)
Preakness

(**Quick interlude, I just had someone call for a user name / password from THE Ohio State University. That drives me up a wall. I am from, THE Assumption College)

Best Play

Boise State 2 point conversion vs. Oklahoma
Darrelle Revis' Return (I don't remember this, so it's not getting my vote)
Dwayne Wade Crazy Shot off the glass (they should really give you video, I don't know this one either)
Endy Chavez Catch (this was awesome, it was too bad they lost the game because otherwise it would have been right up there with Willie Mays).
Travis Pastrana Double Back Flip (eh, prob. not)

Best Coach

Billy Donovan (maybe if he didn't just dick over the Magic)
Tony Dungy (who?)
Jim Leyland (team unraveled in WS)
Gregg Popavich (NBA what?)
Pat Summit (May as well throw one the Lady Vol's way)

Best Upset

Detroit Tigers vs. New York Yankess (thank you boys)
Warriors and Mavericks
Gators and Buckeyes
Rutgers Scarlet Knights and Duke Blue Devils (all that Imus talk got on my nerves)

Best Sports Movie

Invincible
Pride
Talladega Nights (only one I have seen)
We Are Marshall

Best International Male Athlete

Roger Federer
Didier Drogba (I hate soccer)
Dirk Nowitzki (team rolled over to Golden State)
Albert Pujols (A-Rod Pujols Jeter is my favorite just outside Fenway shirt)

Best International Female Athlete

Justine Henin
Lorena Ochoa
Maria Sharapova
Annika Sorenstam (I know she plays golf, but so don't the first two, and something about Maria annoys me)

Best NFL Player

Drew Brees (holy moley! who got the joke?)
Peyton Manning (not!)
Larry Johnson (3 years left on your contract and holding out? You need a new agent Sir).
Jason Taylor (he'd look so handsome in a Patriots uniform)*
LT
Brian Urlacher (Paris Hilton? Really now Brian)

*There should be a write in option. Mr. Tom Brady please.

Best NBA Player

Carmelo Anthony
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan (when in doubt, I'll take the rings)
Lebron James
Steve Nash
Dirk Nowitzki

Best WNBA Player

Tamika Catchings
Lauren Jackson (she could suck, I hate no idea)
Lisa Leslie
Diana Taurasi (hate UConn)

Best NHL Player

Martin Brodeur
Sidney Crosby
Vincent LaCavalier
Scott Neidermayer
Bobby Orr

Best MLS Player (that stands for Major League Soccer; I had to look it up)

Landon Donovan
Jeff Cunningham
Christian Gomez
Matt Reis (he plays for New England. Who knew? Good luck Matt!)

Best Fighter*

Miguel Cotto
Randy Couture
Quinton Jackson
Floyd Mayweather
Manny Pacquiao

*I didn't realize how much typing this stupid idea would be. I'm getting tired fingers.

Best Golfer

Jim Furyk
Lorena Ochoa
Phil Mickleson
Tiger Woods

Best Driver

Dario Franchitti (I like him, he's married to Ashley Judd and she's great)
Jeff Gordon
Jimmie Johnson
Kevin Harvick
Sam Hornish
Tony Schumacher

Best Male Tennis Player

James Blake
Roger Federer
Rafael Nadal
Andy Roddick

Best Female Tennis Player

Justine Henin
Jelena Jankovic
Maria Sharapova
Serena Williams (USA! USA!)

Best Male College Athlete

Ben Askren (he's a wrestler who was 42-0, and he isn't someone who could have been a Celtic)
Greg Oden
Kevin Durant
Troy Smith

Best Female College Athlete

Monica Abbott
Kerri Hanks
Kara Lynn Joyce
Taryne Mowatt
Candace Parker

Best Male Action Sports Athlete

Kelly Slater
Ricky Carmichael
Travis Pastrana
Danny Way
Andreas Wiig

Just winners from here on out. This is getting ridiculous.

Best Female Action Sports Athlete

Sarah Burke (there were some other snowboarders and shit, whatever)

Best Male Athlete with a Disability

Casey Tibbs (he's in the armed services, how does he not get my vote?)

Best Female Athlete with a Disability

Jessica Long (how do pick?)

Best Outdoor Athlete

An angler, two mountaineers, a runner and a musher. I went with the musher, Lance Mackey.
Best Track and Field Athlete

Sanya Ricards (this is the nomination that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend, some people started filling out the brackets not knowing what it was, and they continue doing it forever just because...)

Best Jockey (I'm serious. This is a real category)

Robby Albarando

Best Bowler

Norm Duke (Obviously, with that name, he had to be a bowler)

Under Armour Undeniable Performance

Wisconsin Badger's Women's Hockey (why not?)

Hummer Like Nothing Else Award

Kendrick Smith, Running Back, Hughes High School. (Scored 9 touchdowns in a losing effort.)

So there you have it, the awards, the nominees, and the winners, or, my winners, who will most certainly not be the actual winners. That was fun ESPN. Let's do it again. Never.