Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Reasons why I hate being a girl / a member of this society...

It have two cousins, an uncle, and my mom's birthday in the next few weeks, so I was perusing the card section at Target the other day and came across this one, meant probably for a girl to give to an other girl. I'm assuming all this because I don't know what kind of stupid you'd have to be to find this funny.

On the outside to the card, it says, "Top Ten Signs That You Are In Hell"

10. Convenient sign that reads, "You are now in hell". Now, I am just a humble school teacher, not a marketing guru, but I think that #10 means, "We could only think of 9 funny things".

9. Nothing but sports, fishing, and the Three Stooges on every TV channel. Now, I'm not a huge 3 Stooges fan, but I can handle an episode every now and then. Not crazy about watching fishing on TV, but I like seeing where they go to fish, like, the Keys. Who doesn't love the Keys? And as for the 24 hour sports? Does that mean we get Dish? NFL Network? NESN? Again, not seeing the point.

8. All the shoe stores are closed. Is the packy open?

7. One stall in the ladies room, and no toilet paper. While this is a bit of a conundrum; most of my favorite places in the world have one stall and no toilet paper. Mainly, Lietrims and Countryfest.

6. Skinny jeans are back in style. Not my favorite look, but not exactly what I would imagine "hell" to be.

5. You're the only one of your girlfriends NOT to get carded at the bar. But there's a bar? And I'm at it with my girlfriends? That's pretty hellish.

4. Men all look hot - but only because they're enveloped in flames. Now that seems more hellish for them. I mean, I'm across the room drinking a vodka tonic, wearing skinny jeans, watching sports on tv.

3. Your blind date turns out to be your gynecologist. So, you smile, say, isn't this funny, and have a few more vodka tonics, and then say goodnight. Uncomfortable, yes, but number 3 on the Top 10 Signs That You Are In Hell?

2. Everywhere you go, people want to show you photos of their grandchildren. Um, so you say, "Wow, she's really cute and looks smart" and keep walking.

1. You order a venti decaf macciato with no foam and you get a grande regular macchiato with foam. This is the most hellish thing that can happen to someone? Does this mean that there is only Starbucks and no Dunkin Donuts? Because that would be a bummer.

Um, that's just a horrific collection. What about being tortured, or, roasting for eternity, or being surrounded by Yankees fans, or having people chant 18-1 for all eternity, or...spending eternity sober? Now that would be hellish.

What bothers me most about this card, as that fellow people of the same gender as myself are supposed to find that funny.

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